im not sure where this post is going but i just need to type, i need to put feelings in to words.
sometimes we write things from poetry for expressing our selves to actually putting the abuse in to words, yet we never read them, once on in black and white we may show trusted people but we never re read any of it our selves.
well i’ve started to do so from time to time and to be honest when i started this blog and i still don’t know where it will lead me… but i honestly posted part of my story without reading it because i wrote it awhile a go and didn’t feel i should read it, i mean i got it out of my head why put it back in there right?
well i guess i am in a place where i can re read it and no re visit the fear and being trapped in that time loop, i was looking over my blog because i still lack confidence even though i feel nothing but positive by posting, there is no fear of people finding out, if they do and they chose to draw attention to it that isn’t my problem only they will be drawing attention on to them selves.
yes still no some like to keep me quiet because they feel me speaking out some how dangers there reputation because they were also abused. but i never give any information about anyone else only my experience and if they happen to be there all names have been changed. so only they would know if it was them. OK kind of went off subject tee hee, maybe because im trying not to censor myself any more, im trying to break from the chains of silence and not worry so much how others see it.
any way so when i posted a bit of my story i didn’t read it, but today while sat at a cafe i was looking at my blog and saw it and thought to myself i don’t even know what this sounds like myself, so i sat there reading it and the anger boiled in side i only got to the part of my dad having to hit me hard enough to mark me and i couldn’t continue. i didn’t used to do anger but i kind of do now, before i guess i blamed myself it was all my fault i must have done something for the abuse to have happen and the sexual abuse happened twice so must be my fault…. now i know it isnt and where my so called dad is concerned all anger is amid at him, how could he have hurt his own children like that? pure anger that he took away my childhood and my childhood was shit! ok yes it had good times but the beatings and the sexual abuse was pure shit, hell on earth.
at this time the only words i can use are swear words because im still finding ways to express myself in anger.
NO CHILD SHOULD EVER GO THROUGH THAT!
But i did and i have won the battle of post traumatic stress, the fact i could express anger and aim it at the right person and also not be triggered showed huge progress. it really was like a light went off in my head and i felt safe.
im hoping that it may show others not so far in the journey as me that we can get there and there is some hope….
peachessurvivor 