My break through today

im not sure where this post is going but i just need to type, i need to put feelings in to words.

sometimes we write things from poetry for expressing our selves to actually putting the abuse in to words, yet we never read them, once on in black and white we may show trusted people but we never re read any of it our selves.

well i’ve started to do so from time to time and to be honest when i started this blog and i still don’t know where it will lead me… but i honestly posted part of my story without reading it because i wrote it awhile a go and didn’t feel i should read it, i mean i got it out of my head why put it back in there right?

well i guess i am in a place where i can re read it and no re visit the fear and being trapped in that time loop, i was looking over my blog because i still lack confidence even though i feel nothing but positive by posting, there is no fear of people finding out, if they do and they chose to draw attention to it that isn’t my problem only they will be drawing attention on to them selves.

yes still no some like to keep me quiet because they feel me speaking out some how dangers there reputation because they were also abused. but i never give any information about anyone else only my experience and if they happen to be there all names have been changed. so only they would know if it was them. OK kind of went off subject tee hee, maybe because im trying not to censor myself any more, im trying to break from the chains of silence and not worry so much how others see it.

any way so when i posted a bit of my story i didn’t read it, but today while sat at a cafe i was looking at my blog and saw it and thought to myself i don’t even know what this sounds like myself, so i sat there reading it and the anger boiled in side i only got to the part of my dad having to hit me hard enough to mark me and i couldn’t continue. i didn’t used to do anger but i kind of do now, before i guess i blamed myself it was all my fault i must have done something for the abuse to have happen and the sexual abuse happened twice so must be my fault…. now i know it isnt and where my so called dad is concerned all anger is amid at him, how could he have hurt his own children like that? pure anger that he took away my childhood and my childhood was shit! ok yes it had good times but the beatings and the sexual abuse was pure shit, hell on earth.

at this time the only words i can use are swear words because im still finding ways to express myself in anger.

NO CHILD SHOULD EVER GO THROUGH THAT!

But i did and i have won the battle of post traumatic stress, the fact i could express anger and aim it at the right person and also not be triggered showed huge progress. it really was like a light went off in my head and i felt safe.

im hoping that it may show others not so far in the journey as me that we can get there and there is some hope….

HOPE,TRUST AND LOVE!

Hope seems lost after years of staying quiet in fear, never being able to speak out because the abuser with punish you, even if you run and are no longer near them you have grown in to an adult yet your still crippled in fear. you can even say help because you have learnt to only depend on yourself, others will hurt you and use use you.

your told every cloud has a silver lining, that there is light at the end of the deep dark tunnel, you try yet you can not see because you have been blinded by darkness, The darkness is all we have known and can be a faithful friend, we can rely on it being there and because it is all we have known happiness can seem scary.

we dont believe anyone could possibly love us and that’s because we cant love ourselves, how can we see what others see if we only see ourselves in a negative light.

there are the ones that give us hope yet take it away as quickly as it was given to us, like they make us believe all is ok, we start to trust and then they abuse that trust making it harder to hope and trust.

we see our selves as weak and when some says wow your so strong and courageous we look at them like they are insane because we feel fear all day every say how can that make us strong?

well in fear of sounding like everyone else there is hope, i never thought i would ever believe that! never!

but there is! there is hope around every corner, we just don’t see it, we are strong because every morning we get up we get dressed and get on with our day, that is hope to because we feel we just can go on and yet we do. we put on this happy face even when we feel that our world is ending, it doesn’t seem like strength because it comes so naturally but it is.
we only realize how much work goes in to it all when we start to break the circle of putting on a mask. 

it doesn’t matter if we speak out because how will they know? I found a safe place full of survivors, where i could go and i didn’t have to give any detail because i only had to share what i wanted and when i wanted. in this group of people who i have never met they became my hope, i wasn’t alone any more, there was loads of us and no question was to stupid they gave me the strength and confidence to as a group questions that i feared made me not normal, made me disgusting and UN lovable. let me just say being given that trust to speak freely with only having to say warning it may trigger, helped me find my voice and there was always a handful of people who would say i felt like that to or thought that way and i was just to scared to say anything in case i was alone!

they taught me to trust them if i couldn’t trust anyone else i could trust them, they gave me hope that things do get better and i hope i can give one person out there a little hope.
without them and my partner i would never have began to trust enough to report, and they were all there holding my hand, because i spoke on the group when i finally found the right therapy i was able to speak out there to, when i didn’t understand a session i could talk it over in a group of people.

trust has to be earnt and we forget that, we ether trust to soon or not at all, we trust the wrong people and don’t trust the ones we should. 

we have to learn to trust our selves and loves our sleeves and then comes hope.

im not even sure if any of this has made sense or if i have left it to open, i guess im saying although hope seems so out of reach it really inst we just cant see it because of fear.

My story so far….. Somethings i remember

OK so while i was in therapy it was suggested that i start to write what happened to me even if i never showed anyone ever. well i have an account on writers network so i did post it there, i don’t know why at the time maybe it was easier to share with people i knew i would never meet and get there feed back on what i had written and did it makes sense, well today i will share some of it with you and maybe as i go along i will share everything i did manage to get out whether or not i Finnish my story i don’t know.

i am putting a trigger warning on this for anyone with p.t.s.d, who is easily triggered.

i think ive gone for one of the more easiest ones to share on here having to make sure no one knows who i am at this time.

so here we go….

 

 

Some things I remember 
hot tea:- 

something’s I remember and yes I’m starting off small, ok so I remember me and my brother were playing around and I have no idea of my ages probably no older than 10. 
Any ways my father kept shouting at us say “watch out I have a hot cup of tea here.” 
Being kids we kept play fighting and laughing around and every time we got to close to his cup of tea he would start swearing and shouting at us. As kids we continued any way and as per usual I got the brunt of it. He pick up his hot tea and threw it over me. It wasn’t hot enough to cause serious harm it hurt and my skin wen read but nothing major. Any ways he chucked it over me and said these words, “there next time you won’t come near my fucking tea again” 
See even this sounds mundane as I say it, like that’s not so bad but it was I’m sure words like stupid BITCH were used. 

Medication:- 

Till this day I will not take anything unless I have to, it goes back to when I was a child if I was un well or in pain my father would make sure I actually needed it by scaring me, saying things like if you take this and your lying you will become very ill and need to go to hospital. Again doesn’t sound like much but hear that as often as I did you then begin to question are you really that ill. So even with pain killers I will not take them unless I’m debilitated by pain. It took 3 years of taking myself off anti-depressants because I was worried that it was all in my head and I would just become very ill because I was on them and may not need them. I obviously did need them. 

Hitting and punishment 
Well I have only just recently found out that smacking isn’t what happened to me, basically normal parents slap there child once leaving no mark well this is what others have told me. 
My father I am sure took great pleasure in disciplining us using his hands. 
If he hit us once and it didn’t leave a mark he would slap us again and if there still wasn’t a hand print he would go harder until there was a shiny red raw handprint to which he would then goo oooo that’s a beaut. 
God help us if we laughed because that would only make it worse. 

Other things he would like to do if we played up and it was after dark. He would send me to my room and knowing full well all 3 of us were scared of the dark he would take trip the fuse on the fuse switch and we wouldn’t be able to turn the light on. 
I remember that so well, I don’t know why I was scared of the dark and don’t really know why I still am it’s not a secret I am privileged too. 
Any ways when he went out mum would flip it back on and just tell us to stay in our room. 
I remember at a very young age feeling alone and scared, like the weight of the world was on my shoulders… I would do anything not to get a beating and sometimes I got the blame because I smiled…. Little did ether parents know that was my defence mechanism and to this day I even use it when I’m scared, talking about abuse or if I feel the tears are about to come. 

I’m sure there is more but I will re visit this at a later date. 

Boundary Issues

Do you know how hard it is for a person who was abused as i child to understand boundary’s of another person let alone there own there own.

how can someone learn what a boundary is if some one is always do what they want and please with you?

if you tell them NO and they do it any way how can they know that a boundary has been broken?

the answer would be they don’t  and it can be very hard for people around them to understand why a person takes it to far or allows people to treat them in any way they like or allow a person to keep bugging them through emails texts and dropping everything to be there for that person they may even say inappropriate things.

for a partner it can be frustrating because the one with boundary issues all was takes things that one step to far and for the person who has them they are confused on what they have done wrong.

as i write this i haven’t done research  or and nor am i a trained therapist, but just someone who has been there and has in a group and spoke to others who have had the same issues.

they can even be very manipulating in there ways getting you to do thing you really don’t want to do or keeping you talking when you have a million other things to do, by saying things don’t go im scared.

they aren’t aware they are doing it and no its not OK if it is effecting you and your day.

they person does need help but when they are ready and it really cant be forced on them, but you can help, you have to set those boundary’s because you know when they have over stepped them and lets face it not every two people have the same boundarys the basics maybe the same i guess.

if you need to get on with things you need to tell them i have to go, stay firm. they is no need to sound frustrated or fed up, if they then say oh but i need you you make  me feel safe you stick to what it is you need at that time and you say sorry i have to go, but we will talk soon, bye and then just go, if they keep contacting you don’t answer not even to remind them of your needs remember you have things to do continue with your needs until you feel able to talk again. it does work.

if they take things to far with play fighting you have to explain why what they did was wrong and they cant do it again, they wont understand why but stay firm and explain.

if they say inappropriate things tell them and if you need to stop talking for a bit. its not OK for you to feel uncomfortable with what they have said so fairly but firmly tell them.

 

it doesn’t matter what it is that they are doing that over steps your boundary’s you need to be the one who sets them because if you don’t they will just over step them.

my boundary issues are OK now i have a loving partner that was very patient with me, but i still find it hard to set my own, because i do understand others needs but still looking in to my own. im learning to listen to myself and it is easier for someone to over step my boundary’s, i can say no and even set a few boundary’s but getting people to respect them and to re enforce them im still learning.

i hope this made sense to just one person out there, it helps survivors know they aren’t alone but that it also makes the people close to them maybe understand a little.

after all if as a child you weren’t taught boundary’s how do you know??

 

Who am i?

Who am I? 
But some ones child, 
Some ones sister, 
Some ones lover. 

Who am I? 
When I am alone, 
When I am just me. 

I was some one trying to find, 
Justice for her inner child, 
Keeping her protected, 
Letting her know she was safe. 

All of a sudden I have been left behind, 
My inner child gone from my arms, 
Yet she got no justice, 
No as far as I can see. 

She has left me, 
Now I feel empty, 
Wondering if I did well. 

Copy right by peaches and beautiful.

So I was looking on writers network where I do post poetry from time to time and came across this poem I wrote now as I read it I cried for my injustice….
I remembered how empty I felt the day I found out he got not guilty on a majority verdict, I felt empty and lost, started to doubt myself.
I even doubted who I was, why did I bother, it took a few months to realise how much power it gave me back, but also I sent him a message what he did was wrong and yep he’s more scared now.
Would I do it again and was it worth it? I often get asked, my answer is yes to both, I had never put my abuse in to verbal Words it helped get it out I even connected emotionally to it o cried like a baby. Its the hardest thing to date I’ve done….

Poem called what?

What?

What were you thinking? 
When you raped me, 
Your first daughter, 
Your first born. 

I locked away the memories, 
I threw away the key, 
Little did I know that they would break free? 
They needed a voice, 
I need to be heard. 

Heard I was, 
You had no choice, 
Your secret was out, 
And you reeked of guilt. 

How did they not see it? 
How did they not believe me? 

You pleaded not guilty, 
And not guilty they thought. 

I was angry and I had a right, 
A cowered you are, 
Now scared of my words. 

Copy right belongs to beautiful or peaches

So here is my poem I leave you with, just because some one is found not guilty in the eyes of the law doesn’t mean there not guilty of the crime… I get sick of hearing well he was found not guilty there for he didn’t do it…. How about thinking there is no smoke without fire, did you know that when I reported only 5% of historical cases reached court? And to get to court they have to believe that it will be a guilty out come?? These where facts 5 years ago… The whole Jimmy saville case has made things easier, can you imagine what it was like for them to come forward no you can’t… He was a celebrity which confirms the voice telling you know one will believe you. No imagine family’s reactions half my family still don’t know and a few on my dads side still don’t know who to believe I never asked them to pick sides I only asked to be heard… To much to ask I guess, I’m lucky I had a few stand close and help me through reporting I never thought I would but I did. 
I understand a jury’s point of view they have to believe without reasonable doubt. 
What can I say my dad had a good lawyer who put doubt in there head, but its like I said in that court room only two people in the room know the truth that’s me and him, the truth sets me free I did nothing wrong, oh and hey he did nothing to punish me for speaking out, I had and still have the power.

Nothing gain is nothing lossed

so here it goes nothing,  i have to say that this is me un censored, standing up and being counted! I was watching Kevin smith last night and he did a speech about how life is basically to short how his dad was a nice bloke he wasn’t a child abuser (OK he used words that right now i dont feel able too) yet he went out of the world screaming before he died. it touched me i dont know the love of a father with out that meaning abuse of some sort. but this touched me  and i did shed a tear why because in a world so full of child abusers yes its sickening but its more common then you realize even today its still all shhed even after the reports against famous people its still taboo subject, people still suffer in silent, it was like there are fathers out there that are just that love there kids and wouldn’t harm them… you have no idea how nice it was to hear and yet how safe it made me feel.more importantly Kevin said we should take time for our art whether it is a blog or writing story’s, what every get your art out there… so here i am trying to get back what i lost, the love for writing, im not the worlds best writer and having dyslexia does limit my spelling but it doesn’t limit my head… those that are lucky enough to have read my work knowing who i am have said that it moves them, but i look at it and see it as just words.my aim with this blog is to be able to speak freely uncensored and with out anyone controlling, but mostly to reach out the the Angels out there the ones just trying to get by.angels are survivors of abuse, i want them to know they are alone there are groups full of men and women that have been through hell and back, yet some how we come together and hold ech others hand when we feel so alone and trapped in the darkness that is post traumatic stress, for the depression the self hate. i want every single one of you to know you are beautiful and nothing you ever did warranted anything that happened to you and there was nothing you could  have dont to prevent it.but lets all come together, scream and  shout till we are heard, lets not sit in silence any more, lets tell the world of the effects that childhood abuse has on us, lets just have our say uncensored screw staying silent lets stand up and join hands and tell the scum thats what they are that we wont be silenced by there threats.im not even sure if this even makes sense but to me right now it does….i guess that’s all that matters, im reaching out to you all………